she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
