I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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