im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need water and some morals
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
