Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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