Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
