Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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