right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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