I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
