the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
