i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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