I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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