my mouth tastes like poor choices
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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