He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
