Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
