remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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