mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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