I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
