Please, let me fuck your mom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
