Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
