Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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