i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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