dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
