best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
