I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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