Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
