I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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