Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
