the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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