Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
