I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
