Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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