I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
