My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
