i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
