If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
