I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
