Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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