Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
