I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
