also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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