I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
