I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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