i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
