Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
