im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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