i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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