I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
