Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
