this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
3pm strippers are depressing
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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