Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
