shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
